Soh Jin Mei, a.k.a Jibeh.

I realized my last post was rather emo and love-hungry. Perhaps desperate, whatever.

This girl you see above. We weren't the best of friends in the beginning. Yes, we conversed a little over the past 2 years, but were merely hi-bye friends. In my eyes, she was unfriendly and cool, as if having the words I-don't-give-a-damn written across her face.

We entered the same class in Year 2008. It was not till now did we get so close. Never did I thought we could be so close in the first place. She was a girl with good grades, and still seemingly unapproachable. Yet...

It was all because of a library trip. She found out my little secret, and well, she wasn't surprised. Apparently, I made it pretty obvious and was oblivious about it. And we talked and talked and talked about it, it became our topic of conversation, but as time went, we were drawn closer to each other, and both of us realized, our topic need not forever revolve around him.

We started to spend afternoons together in the library, and always ended up talking instead of studying. She was not what I thought she were: the cold and unfriendly SJM. She was cheerful, ever-high, always encouraging you when you feel that your self esteem could no longer sink any deeper. I realized we shared many same thoughts. We had meals together, and one common trait we had: We never stop eating. :D

She's always keen to share, and ready to listen. Ask her out and most of the time she'll say yes, or at least give you a temporary definite answer, unlike some guys who simply entertains you with a "I dunno" or "See first". I'm not implying that it can't be an answer, but we just yearned for a more friendly tone. Well, I suppose that's the typicality of guys.

Dear SJM, you let me understood the meaning of "Don't judge a book by its cover". Yes, you may have a personality too cool to be approachable, but it's okay. People will understand. We don't have to entertain them if we don't feel like to. We don't care. We are who we are, and what we are. It's up to people who are willing to understand you deeper inside, instead of judging and rating you just by looking at one's outer cover which is often deceiving. Perhaps if they're sincere enough, they'll finally get to know the real SJM. :)

***

It was my last paper today. I bear no more hopes of doing well, needless to say to even have enough luck to scrape a pass. I won't give up. I'm just lazy, and it's something stuck to my bones that I can't remove. These lazybones, oh please fall off. I don't mind getting osteoporosis (just ensure I'm able to renew my bones), it's really time I buck up.

But somehow I've given up on my studies. Honestly, I see no future in myself. Failing, failing and more failing. Marks and grades underlined in my report book, it's as if it'd become a yearly basis. I don't mind failing anymore, for I can't even feel if I give a fuck for my studies. I don't mind studying Geography, for I think of all the subjects I take, it's the one that makes the most sense out of everything and I love it. And English, I do have a passion for writing, for I prefer English so much to Chinese. I'm taking my 'O' Levels Chinese Language Examination in less than a month, and I don't care. Who cares anyway? I may study Higher Chinese, and people always think our chinese is really good. Oh, come on. My chinese sucks more than yours, seriously. It's such a waste of time. I do converse and write in Mandarin but all those comprehensions in the examinations, I see no point why I should bother even attempting to read and understand them. We have 8 periods of HCL every week. Seriously, what for? You may say, China's gonna be the next Big Brother in the economy realm, so? I am a Chinese, and I think knowing how to converse, understand and write basic Mandarin is enough. 8 periods, that's the most of all 7 subjects. Why couldn't they spend these precious time on Maths or Geography instead? It's obvious that our Maths is disasterrific, yet you're still wasting time on Chinese? OH, WAKE UP, SCHOOL.

For all you know, I might be retained for the year. Then I'll kill myself, because my mom will kill me anyway.

And this paragraphing system is pissing me off. No matter how many Enters I key, it still sticked altogether to form a big whole chunky essay. Urgh, whatever.

Ciao.