It has been a long, long time... I've been so busy, or rather sometimes I just chose to ignore my urge to blog as I was really lazy.
So many things had happened, and I don't think I have the memory to account for each and every one of them.
You know, sometimes I wonder why I've changed so much, as if I hadn't realized. I've changed to become so... critical. So mean, so selfish, so realistic, yet at the same time this day-dream part of me still remains. At times I curse and swear, at times I became so judgmental, at times I hate what people's doing when it doesn't even concerns me, and yet during these times I still wish some part of me belonged to... someone.
It's not easy to juggle all these at one go when I don't even know where did all these emotion surges come from. People around me, I know clearly they aren't the ones that's experiencing this... mutation of the mind, how you think and all. I am aware that I wasn't like that in the past. I wasn't the one who would hate someone so easily, who would say you're a bitch right in your damn face because I don't give a fucking damn for your feelings. I used to be able to put myself in the shoes of one else, what has happened to me now?
I used to think friends were my everything. They were, in fact, since I was in primary school. I had nothing, no brains, no looks, no figure, just plenty of friends. I was sociable, friendly, and I used to be the one who could tell at a single glance who's being left out in a clique. And now, I'm the one who's waiting for that another 'me' to appear.
I don't mind being the odd one out, sometimes I actually enjoy those moments of solitary. The fact that there's nobody to talk to, that don't bother me. I'm used to it. It isn't such a sad issue afterall, to think I'm already in my last year in secondary school. I don't hve to bother actually. All I have to do now is focus on my exams, get good grades, and mould my own future. Who's to interfere, who's to decide, but myself?
Yet, this part of me still misses you badly. Misses every bit we've spent together, those were the times. Yeah, those. They've drifted far, far away. To where, I dunno. Oblivion perhaps?
This blog can't be counted as one that records my most truthful feelings, although I wished it was, as there are certains things too sensitive to be mentioned. I'd love to, but I can't. The fact that I've always treated this blog as my confidante made me feel so guilty of retaining any congitations from her, although she's not even human. At least she knows how to... listen, which is something I've also realized that very few people can do.
