For the first time in my life, I am really angry. Feel your blood boiling, yes. So angry, that I sat in front of the fan for 20 minutes, trying to extinguish that flame in me and my stepbro thought something happened. Well, something really did.

I was on my way to my T.O.D.'s house, I felt really cheerful, listening to my songs and singing along. Then she called. Okay, I assumed I would hear a familiar close voice asking where was I now, yet what I heard was a voice questioning me in a stern tone, where was I. Please note that there is a difference between asking and questioning, the tones are totally different. I said I've already reached the void deck, but I seriously dunno why she had to sound so fucking pissed off in the first place. Thanks, 'cause that pissed me off as well. She was so demanding, fine. I told her I bathed alr, I went home before coming here. I dunno if she's going deaf or what, she kept asking the same questions. Okay, I tolerate that. She's getting senile, I can understand. And as always, we had some misunderstandings through the phone. I realised what she was trying to say, so I said, "Ok ok. I am already at the void deck." However, she went on trying to defend her own saying. Like, wtf? I gave in alr, so would you please kindly shut the fuck up? Haha, so much for saying that I always talk back to her. Well, this is STILL what I get for giving in to you.

I cheered up alot after that. My stepbro offered to get me a bowl of soup (which I rejected, sorry), and then my youngest stepbro came and played PSP with me. I was lying on his shoulder while he played, then we went to check out the Nick Pitera videos on the net. Had a great time laughing. Oh, then she said it's time to go home. Alright, I'm feeling fine. At least I avoided to get into a quarrel with you. We got on the car, everything was fine... Then she started to talk about school, about going to usher at the Prom Night. She was worrying this, worrying that, complaining why did the school management chose such a remote place, criticizing the incompetence of the teacher blah blah blah... Now, for the first time (or is it?), I'm defending for the Council. Firstly, there is confirmed TWO-WAY TRANSPORT, there and back. So no matter what time, where is it, how remote the place is, I'm safe. Secondly, she said, "The place is so remote, who would ever booked there? Besides, it's a Thursday. It's impossible that other clubs have no more spaces for reservations. If I'm a Sec 4 student, I wouldn't even wna go. " HAHAHA. Come on, you're nearing 50, I don't need you comments. And have you ever organised a prom night? If not, please shut the fuck up. So I went along saying, they need usherers, it's part of the yearly procedure. And this was what she replied, "Yeah, the Council. Only know how to make use of you students. And you go there, confirm make alot new friends again. You already have alot of friends alr." I'm sorry, but I have to say this.

WHAT THE FUCK DO I NEED TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS WHEN ALL THESE SECONDARY 4 SCHOOLMATES OF MINE, I KNOW MOST OF THEM ALREADY? I AM JUST GOING THERE TO USHER AND ENJOY THEIR GRADUATING JOY, AND YOU SAY I'M GONNA MAKE NEW FRIENDS THERE AGAIN? OH COME ON, BITCH. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY. YOU THINK I'M WASTING ALL MY TIME ON MY FRIENDS, WASTING ALL MY TIME ON MSN, WASTING ALL MY TIME ON SMSING, WASTING ALL MY TIME GOING OUT, INSTEAD OF STUDYING. BUT THEY ARE MY FRIENDS, FOR GOODNESS SAKE! YOU THINK YOUR DAUGHTER IS SO FUCKING DESPERATE THAT SHE GOES AROUND MAKING NEW FRIENDS WHEREVER SHE IS? YOU THINK I DON'T STUDY. JUST BECAUSE I SCORED TWO F9s IN MY EOY EXAM, YOU SEE NO HOPE IN ME ANYMORE. YOU THINK I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. YOU CLAIM YOU WNA HELP ME. OH PLEASE! THIS IS SO FUCKING HILARIOUS. YOU WNA HELP ME? WHY NOT HELP YOURSELF FIRST? HAHAHA!!!

Ever since the Parents Meeting Day, I realised we couldn't communicate well anymore. She finds mistakes in everything I do. On the way back, she asked for my teacher's number. I said I don't have it, she gave that ridiculous chuck. Wtf? Then she wanted to know who's the teacher in charge of the Council. Sorry, Mr Lee. I said it was you. But yeah. I told her I'll go to school tomorrow and tell him that I'll be backing out in the ushering. And she said, "That would be best" in mandarin. Oh my God. I really really feel like punching and stoning her till she die. I wanted to scream at her. She's is ridiculous. And I can't believe she's my mother.

She is having doubts in everything I engage in now, volleyball etc. She scrutinizes me, and I detest that. Her eyes, that disgusting, hideous, revolting pair of eyes of hers. Yes, you are my mother. So what? I have to rely on you now because I don't have a choice. You are my financial support. You donned me with the clothes I'm wearing now. You gave me everything I have now. Yes, but I don't feel that so-called motherly love I used to feel (did I even?). You're just a woman, who gave me life, who gave me money, who gave me clothes. I am grateful, yes. Thank you, and this is not said sarcastically. However I'm sorry to say that I'll try, from now on, to sever all emotional ties with you, although that might not seem possible, but it'll be of much help as I don't have to feel so upset when we part. I don't feel you like my mother anymore, for your tones, your actions, your everything. They're just making me hate you more and more. You guys might think I'm just being childish and all, it's alright. People say being the only child is fortunate, I beg the differ. You also have to endure all her fucking PMSes and her anger all comes to you. Maybe it's only her, I dunno.

Sometimes, how I hope I left with Papa 11 years ago. Then you could have went to the USA, just as you always wished, free and not tied down by anything.

I thank you for bringing me up. It pains me to write all these as well, but where else could I go? You'll go crazy if I say all these to you. It'll only make you dislike me more, make you think why did you even give birth to such a useless daughter like me, ain't it?

I'm sorry for all the curses. I still do love you, as a daughter.
But all these ain't coming down to nothing.
While you think your daughter has no more future, do you think any child would like their own parent to think this way of them?

You were once my emotional support. Yeah, were once.

Had friendly matches at Pioneer Junior College today. Okay, it was much more fun than I'd expected it to be. Teammates had 3 matches with PJ Girls Team, I played on the third set. I was really relaxed, unlike the old me who used to be so tense when ye beh was around, lol. So I really enjoyed the game, although there are mistakes but who cares! I wna enjoy the game with my teammates more than the desire to win the set, so yeah. :D



After that went to wash up. Bobo tied a bun for me! Omg I'm so happy, it's been like ages since I've tied a bun with my hair and it's nice. Tried numerous times at home but didn't succeed and it looked horrible so I gave up. Thank you Bo! :D



Took photos with Serli in the washroom and went out to find the whole team sitting there. At first we thought we were the ones who kept them waiting, but actually it was the Victoria boys. Lol, oh they were there too today at PJ. Sandy wanted to get the cellphone number from this No.10 spiker from VS whose name I think it's Darren or Terence? I dunno. Lol. So eventually she got his number and the whole situation was rather awkward 'cause the whole team was like teasing them. Sigh, if only I had her courage... I found it pretty embarrassing at first, but after some thought I realised she was quite brave, as I've never asked for the number from any guy (although sometimes I would really want to but it's very paiseh leh, lol). Come to think of it, I find that No.10 very good looking as well, and he looked so much like my primary school mate. Ok my pri. school friend is better looking haha! Or is he? :O



Anyway, went to Lot 1 and ate at LJS' with Serli, Janelle, Jingwen, Kohser, Meifen, Yingyan and Jason. And there was this pair of siblings sitting behind me, an elder brother and his sister. He was really nice to her, he bought the chocolate cake thingy and shared it with her. How I wish I had an elder brother myself... Although I do have stepbrothers, it just doesn't feel the same.



Trained home with Jason and Serli, she alighted at Bukit Batok so Jason and I talked about studies back to Jurong East. Was saying how bad my Chemistry was and I can see that he was trying to help and give me advice. Alright, I shall work hard for my Chemistry and towards my O Levels, for myself, for Prime, and for you Jason! Since you're rarely so nice HAHA. :D

And Superman No.5 from VSVB is really good looking! The Camera Man for today! Ha. :}

But crushes and infatuations never had a chance.

Lousy zoom





Ms. Towel and Comb? Lol

Serli's favourite photo of all taken!

+ Some random pictures,

I look ugly but for the sake of chiobu Sharvin...

This is my contact picture in Jia Wen's phone HAHA

Oh! Jia Wen! You're too cute to resist, I hve to post this :D

End of with dear cute Sharvin during his Primary School days, lol.

Erased - Dr. Dre Featuring Chris Brown

You don't see me
The same no more
It's hard
To see the light
Through closing doors
Don't treat me like
Like I'm invisible
You talk with me
It's not the usual
We scream, we fight
Saying things
That we both regret
And that's not right
That you could
Just forget me
Like that
You've never tried
Always taking
The easy route
Always taking
The easy route
Never wanting
To work it out

You want to be free
You want to leave me
I can't believe
'Cause without you
Baby I'm incomplete

Am I erased
Just a segment
Of your imagination
I'm feeling replaced
Like a faded picture
Where you can't see my face
Scratched out
Erased

In memory
Of what we used
To call love
I reminicise
What used to be us
Remember when
When I was the most important
To you
But now I'm a ghost
The trust has died
There's no way
We can bring it back
We live a lie
No bars
No strings attached
Is this alright?
A part of you
Just wants me back
A part of me
Just wants you back

You want to be free
You want to leave me
I can't believe
Am I, am I

Am I erased
Just a segment
Of your imagination
I'm feeling replaced
Like a faded picture
Where you can't see my face
Scratched out
Erased

Can anybody see me
See me now?
I'm erased
From the crowd
So cold
And I don't know how




This song's prelude is so, so good. :D

Definition of Mother: A female parent.
Definition of MY mother?:
The woman who gave birth to me and thought she would bring me up to be so smart that I was in RGS and excelled in all my grades even when MOE expected Sec 3s to do badly, who was filial to her, who was so smart that she could have went on a debate competition with the late dear Sir Albert Einstein, who was a child prodigy who could have done university-standard mathematical sums at the mere age of 5, who could play the piano better than the late Sir Mozart, and all in all, she expected me to be smart, clever, intelligent, smart, smart, smart.

Yet she turned out to be a piece of junk who did so badly for her EOY and now seen as nothing more than a kid with no more future. Me.


Perhaps you should hve adopted. Then there wouldn't be a daughter like me to spite you all the time, wouldn't be such a useless and stupid girl who isn't smart enough to be your daughter, wouldn't be a daughter to add on to your burden, wouldn't be a daughter to have dragged you down due to your late husband who's my dad, wouldn't be a daughter who won't even make it to poly, wouldn't be a daughter who scored F9s instead of your expected A1s and A2s and marks over 80, wouldn't be a daughter whom you expected to wear the navy blue pinafore with a belt in the middle with classmates so smart you'd rather they were your daughters 'cause they would all grow up to become laywers, doctors, politicians, and yet I'm wearing this white blouse with a skirt of a lighter shade of blue, and doing so badly. Wouldn't be a daughter who tried communicating with you about my classmates everyday and when you shut me up saying my friends are of bad influence. Wouldn't be a daughter who refuse to make friends with the people you want me to, the super super smart ones. Wouldn't be a daughter who wasted your resources. Wouldn't be a daughter to have brought you so many bad memories. Wouldn't be a daughter whom you'd forever be ashamed of.

I was a gift Papa left for you.
Now, I'm nothing but a burden.
Such a big burden to you,
even I feel ashamed of myself.

Sorry.

Songs do express my feelings.



Diagnosed With Love - Chris Brown

I'm starin at the clock
It's a quarter to three
I'm tossin in my bed
Cause I just can't sleep
Cause you're not here with me
I'm reaching out for you
I wish I could talk to you
Tryna figure out what's going on with me
I'm use to havin all the answers for everything
Oh girl
I think she is the one
Where is that comin from?

Feels so crazy
Baby you simply amaze me
So much more than lately
I owe it all to you (Owe it all to you)
All those games we
Used to play now
Seem so lame to me
What I'm coming down with
Feels new to me
All I know is that you are the cure
Cause I've been diagnosed with love

Does anybody know the answer to this question
Cause I'm confused
Now I'm opened for suggestions
My heart is talking loud (So loud)
What is this about (About)
I'm really changin now, Oh
Cleared all the numbers out my phone
Done left that whole life alone
Those are two of the symptoms I see
And I believe
Oh girl, I am sure
That you are my miracle

If anybody feels me let me see you wave your hand and say I'm diagnosed with love
girl cause all I know that you are the cure baby

Feels so crazy
Baby you simply amaze me
So much more than lately
I owe it all to you (Owe it all to you)
All those games we
Used to play now
Seem so lame to me
What I'm coming down with
Feels new to me
All I know is that you are the cure
Cause I've been diagnosed with love.






想念你开着玩笑说,你头发流血.
想念你问我,很晚了为什么还没睡.
想念你问我, "你累吗?"
想念你跟我一起说福建话的时候.
想念你陪我聊天聊到深夜.
想念你还很亲切的那段日子.
想念你所给我的美好时光.

对不起,
但我真的好想念你.

I wna go shopping and on eating trips with SJM.
I miss sitting beside my Sayang.
I feel so no life now.
I wna go to Serangoon and give him a surprise!

I AM FUCKING BORED.

稻香 周杰伦

对这个世界如果你有太多的抱怨
跌倒了就不敢继续往前走
为什么人要这么的脆弱堕落
请你打开电视看看
多少人为生命在努力勇敢的走下去
我们是不是该知足
珍惜一切就算没有拥有

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡
随着稻香河流继续奔跑
微微笑小时候的梦我知道
不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑
乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
回家吧回到最初的美好

不要这么容易就想放弃
就像我说的追不到的梦想换个梦不就得了
为自己的人生鲜艳上色
先把爱涂上喜欢的颜色
笑一个吧
功成名就不是目的
让自己快乐快乐这才叫做意义
童年的纸飞机现在终于飞回我手里

所谓的那快乐赤脚在田里追蜻蜓追到累了
偷摘水果被蜜蜂给叮到怕了
谁在偷笑呢
我靠着稻草人吹着风唱着歌睡着了
哦哦
午后吉它在虫鸣中更清脆
哦哦
阳光洒在路上就不怕心碎
珍惜一切就算没有拥有

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡
随着稻香河流继续奔跑
微微笑小时候的梦我知道
不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑
乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
回家吧回到最初的美好

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡
随着稻香河流继续奔跑
微微笑小时候的梦我知道
不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑
乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
回家吧回到最初的美好



I hardly ever listen to chinese songs, except for JayChou's ones. This song is from his new album 魔杰座, and it's my favourite song from this round of collection. Read the lyrics, they're very meaningful, but of course, Jay wrote them himself. :)

***

Haven't been blogging for the past few days. Kept giving excuses to blog another time, but now I realised I forgotten what I intended to blog a few days back. Anyway...

I skipped school today. What for going, when all you do is sit in class and stone? Nothing to do at all, except for some talks and surveys. Totally a waste of time. I don't know how to play those poker card games, so definitely I lose out 'cause half the class is engaged in poker. Since all you do is rot in class, so might as well stay at home and rest or do some other more meaningful things, rather than wasting time away in school.

Training yesterday was fun, we laughed like crazy. Wenny kept saying "辛苦了!" and "Lan beh!" and Serli was shaking her body with her hands up in the air and saying "我前世是海带" which meant, I was a seaweed in my past life. LOL damn funny. Okay I dunno how to describe how hilarious it was but yeah. :D then Wenny and I started to join in too so the three of us were doing it together. Rofl. But I doubt it would be as fun from the next training onwards, Ye beh is back. As Janelle said, he seems to dislike people being happy, and I somehow agree. When he's around, the atmosphere is so dense, so strict. Urgh.

Oh yes, I told my mom about my results yesterday night. I didn't get any scolding at all! Perhaps it's because she was feeling unwell and I was really tired. She looked kinda worried but I quickly changed the subject to something else. Phew, thank goodness... Developed fever soon after shower, this made her even more worried about my health rather than my results. Yay :D

There are so many things I wna post about, but I just can't recall...

Oh! Dear SJM, I bet you read my blog all the time, so this post is dedicated to what happened at Guardian/Watson(?) the other day when we went to eat Ajisen at IMM. :D

You see, this was what happened. SJM was queuing up to pay for the biscuits, and her hand hit onto the shelf of condoms and one packet of it dropped on the floor. HAHAHA. So after that she told me it's the first time since she was aware that the small packaging is contained with condoms that she touched it.

Anyway, SJM's reactions wasn't that huge. But sometimes I wonder why girls react to condoms or other contraceptive methods with a loud and huge "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE". No all of course, but some. Why? What's wrong with them? I mean, they're just condoms right? Lol. I know it's sex-related, but so? You people might find that disgusting, but come on, if your parents didn't have sex, where would you come from? Dustbin? Lol. And condoms are life-saving comtraception methods, they prevent unwanted pregnancies and unnecessary abortions. They are lives we're talking about here, so instead of killing them, why not just prevent the formation of them right in the first place?

Gonna go slack the whole day.

TAKING IC TOMORROW! :D

Ciao.

永远忘不了我们这三年二班.

Results are back. As expected, I've failed my Double Maths and Combined Sciences. But my Geography was so terribly done, I'm so disappointed in myself. Scored a mere 25/50 for Paper 1 and 32/50 for Paper 2. Fuck. You might say I did not study, whatever. But I did okay. Did notes on the 5 Causes, 6 Problems and 4 Policies of Deforestation in Kalimantan till I wna vomit a whole forest yet this is what I scored. Fine. I'll do better next year. I must get an A, I must.

Here are my results for written papers only:

ENGLISH - Paper 1: 40/60 Paper 2: 29.5/50 Total: 69.5/110

HCL - Paper 1: 57/90 Paper 2: 54/110 Total: 111/200 ROFL

E MATHS - Paper 1: 20/60 Paper 2: 21/80 Total: 41/140 HAHAHA

A MATHS - 31/80 Better than expected :D

SCI (PHY) - 35/70 I passed! Surprisingly...

SCI (CHEM) - 12/50 Not inclusive of MCQ.

HUMANS (SS) - 29/50

HUMANS (HIST) - 26/50

GEOGRAPHY - Paper 1: 25/50 Paper 2: 32/50 WTF.

So overall, I'm thankful I'm not retained. I was shivering when I asked Mrs Chia if I'm in the safe zone. And I didn't expect myself to pass History, as I wasn't even paying attention to Ms. LWF's lessons and neither did I study. As for SS, wrote quite alot but all outta point -.- Still, I managed to pass. And Chemistry, I totally give up, yay! Slept during the paper. But I managed to scrape a pass in Physics! However, I can ensure I'll fail my overall Combi. Science because of my terrible Chemistry and all the horrific CA Marks.

And would you look at my HCL marks! 111/200. My mom's gonna kill me. "I EXPECT YOU TO EXCEL IN YOUR CHINESE AS ALWAYS, WHAT HAPPENED!? YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE EFFORT TO READ MORE CHINESE NOVELS!" Lol, she didn't say that, yet. She doesn't know the results are already back, so I'll just continue to feign ignorance and pretend nothing has happened, yay! And for the letter writing, I wrote so much yet the teacher gave me only 12/20. WTF. Anyway, I don't count HCL as a subject. It's just Chinese. Don't care. :)

My English did best this time round, although the marks are still very saddening. However, I found the teacher who marked our P.1 very lenient. As I said, I wrote an argumentative essay without knowing it's one, yet she didn't penalize me. Got 18/30. Also, my situational writing, it was supposed to be written to the MOE Selection Board, yet I wrote to the person-in-charge of the course I've chosen. She didn't penalize me as well, and gosh I got 22/30 for that section. And I think it was Dr who marked our paper? I dunno... But my P.2 was like ______? Why did the passage had to be so boring in the first place anyway?

I don't know what to say to them, but I'm worried. She's faking a happy front, he's too calm. The fact that we can't be as a class anymore is the kinda thing we would least want it to happen, but it just... happened. As friends, we dunno what to say to provide a form of comfort. I will not tell you it's gonna be okay, 'cause it certainly isn't. Neither would I say cheer up, it'll be stupid to say so. Put myself in your shoes, yes I do feel how you feel. No matter what, know that the class will always be behind you both and supporting you. Do not give up, for we still, and always will have faith in you. You can do it. We will always be 3E2.

想忘了.

***

It was a waste of time in school today. No teachers, no exam scripts, no nothing. Could have stayed at home and slept till 12pm then go for training. This 'great' school system is getting us nowhere.

But still, I'm constantly reminded of the fear of being retained for the year. Tried to get some information of Mrs. Chia and Ms. Ong but their mouths are sealed. O well, friendly match tomorrow in school, and it's also Promotional Meeting Day. I'll bug them till they reveal. :D

Had dinner with Bobo after training. Man, I ate so much. No wonder I ain't showing any signs of slimming down. Well, as SJM said, 能吃是福. Besides, we're growing up now. I believe our rate of metabolism isn't that low. So, grow while you can now, although I suppose I stopped growing already. Nb.

***

Just when you thought everything was over, a song, or whatever, might just remind you of unpleasant, or well, things you don't really wanna think about. It's pretty hard to get it off your mind yaw, especially when he just zooms in and outta your mind like a rocket, leaving so much exhaust in its track, which makes you hard to forget.

But you have to, eventually, don't you?

Snap out of it. O come on, you can do it, can't you?

Nobody's gonna help you, not even him. So save yourself.

Thanks, I hate this feeling.

Ciao.

结束了.

***

In a blink of an eye, 5 days have passed. Well, we'll be getting our results tomorrow. Gonna be such a disappointment.

I'm bound to fail my Double Maths and Combined Science. I took the paper myself, who else knows it better than me? I've failed these 3 subjects for my MYE, so it isn't much of a surprise if I failed it this time round too.

But my English and Geography? O come on, please don't fail me. I've pinned all my hopes on you, although I know clearly I've screwed up essay writing (fancy choosing an argumentative essay and not knowing it's one) and my Geography SEQ, both 8 marks questions I wrote a mere 4 lines. Wtf.

I dreamt that I got 25/50 for both my Geography papers, which makes it 50/100. That's VERY bad. I know I didn't study but actually I found the paper relatively easy. Tons of things to write, but if you studied and understood what the teacher was saying, you ought to get at least a B4 I guess. Doesn't apply to me though.

I have a hunch Mrs Chia is gonna actually come up to me and tell me "Your chances of retaining are very high" or "You are retained for the year". Whou. That's really a nightmare come true. Then maybe I'll jump off the building before my mom murders me, it'll be a much less painful death... And come to think of it, I think my results are bad enough to land me in 3E/3N in Year 2009. Fuck.

***

SJM is ill. And she's still chatting with her She-Knows-It-Better-Than-Anyone-Else. Lol.

Alright, off to do vb admin stuff.

Ciao.

无所谓.

我会活的比现在更好.

***

Training basically sucked. The whole sec 2 skipped training because of a birthday party (rofl?), and coach put the blame on us sec 3s and ranted out on us. Thanks alot. Wtf.
Except being able to see my teammates again, there isn't much to be happy about.



One more photo of Weijian before I sign off. :)

你的答案, 好难听.

但你总算坦白了.

***

Spent another day with dear SJM, it's the 5th consecutive day yaw! There was Weijian around today so it was pretty awkward to start the day with, but it eased alot along the way.

We caught the movie 'Connected 保持通话' at Orchard Cineleisure. The movie was not bad, but it was pretty violent and gore... As usual, Barbie Hsu looks as stunning, 古天乐still as handsome, and the protagonist from the bad side is really good looking, seriously! :D His name was Liu Ye 刘烨, I think. Anyway, the movie was pretty good. Do catch it.

Went to VivoCity after the movie, we had nowhere to go, lol. Walked around, and we went to NUM to look for Weijian's gay partner. So in all, he had 5: first one stopped working already I supposed, second one was still there and we saw him too. As for the rest, whereabouts and status are unknown. Rofl. Okay fine, he's not gay.

SJM's 招牌动作

Favourite of the Day.

For once, VivoCity looked like a kampong?

On the train home

Weijian is camera shy? :O

Wrong time, wrong finger. Looks wrong...

老毛病又犯了.

***

See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!

O that I were a glove upon that hand,

That I might touch that cheek!

- Watching Juliet at her window, Romeo longs for her.

***

I had a crazy day with SJM. We went to Suntec City together for Beppu Ramen (I introduced it yaw!), and had a really early dinner (at like, 4pm?). While waiting for the food to be served, we took photographs at the restaurant. Used the self-timer and left the camera on the table. You see, it's hard to actually gauge when a ten-second self-timer is gonna snap your photo, so we were smiling at the camera for quite some time like idiots, and people walking past the restaurant outside were looking at us like we're some ____? Lol. But the photos were good, although my eyeliner smudged like *&^%$#@!.

After that we walked around Suntec City, and SJM bought even more food. We ate desserts at the food court and after that went to buy the chicken cutlet or something. Threw it away with more than half left. Sorry chicken. :( Anyway, SJM totally owned. Altogether, she ate:

1. A bowl of Ramen with chilli 6 times stronger that sent me tearing.

2. A bowl of Honeydew Sago.

3. One Hotdog.

4. 4 Muffins.

Rofl?

We were at Minitoons, and SJM came out with this terribly pink Strawberry Shortcake bag and said we should buy it as a gift for him. Well, I certainly agreed, it did kinda fit him, although we were seriously intending to buy him something decent...

Oh, and I saw this Nike backpack. It was so much nicer and cheaper than the one I got less than a month ago. Totally regret it. O fuck. But mine's not bad anyway. Cost me a freaking 90 bucks. And that one was just 55. Wtf? Forget it. Rather spend time loving the one I have now.

SJM and I bought a dress each. Identical ones. Promised each other to wear it out together one day. :) It was sweet, and kinda cheap. 2 for 30 dollars, oh well, I had to borrow 3 dollars from SJM because I'm dried up. Lol. But Ï'm happy, the dress was really pretty and I got it with my best friend! :D

On the way back to the train station, we saw a couple. Maybe it was more interesting as they were a gay couple. Lol? SJM totally grabbed my hand and tried to control her laughter and I bet one of the guy saw. They were holding hands, with their fingers tightly embraced. Wow, first time I saw this. I saw many lesbian couples but gays? That's pretty rare. Oh well, I suppose Singapore's still an against-homosexuality country, but I don't think we should really interfere into their own lives anyway.

Throughout the whole day SJM and I were talking about everything, and constantly joked about, what if he and his clique happened to just, run into us? Wouldn't that be a beautiful coincidence, with me having a 100% guarantee that they'll just "Eh?" and continue on their journey to wherever. How nice.

It has been the consecutive 4th day that I went out with SJM. Had a really great time her, talking, laughing, oogling at eye candies, everything. Yet, in the first place I never imagined we could be so close. O, how unpredictable can Fate get?

APPOINTMENTS WITH SJM

1. Ajisen Ramen

2. Fried rice at IMM HongKong-based Café (Jiawen?)

3.Marvelous Cream, or something like that, near City Hall MRT Station.

4. Andersen's Ice-Cream? Not yet a pact...

5. Sakura Buffet

6. Nihon Mura @ JW Sports Stadium

and many many more. :D

On the train

Old habits die hard...

Favourite of the Day.

Hair smelling session, love it.

We wanted to get this bag for you, my dear Him.




End of the day.

***

Sometimes I think I'm fretting over things I shouldn't even be thinking about at my age.
But since I already am, why not just cut the hesitation?

I said I'll wait for you. But I ain't sure anymore. Your attitude towards me is unpredictable; we were so close, and now we're so far apart. What's the use of trying to get you to go out with us so just to spend some time with you? You don't care, do you? People say you like me too, but deep down inside I know it's just my own imagination. You're inconsistent, and it's so hard to even guess what's really on your mind.

Yet it's hard to control these thoughts of you.

And now another him is here, I don't know what to do. He promises me love, I promise you love, and you promise ______?

Whenever SJM, Jiawen and I go out together now, it just feels as if we're short of one person.

仿佛就像打麻将一样, 三缺一, 因为你已不再有兴趣和我们在一起了.

They may seize
On the white wonder of Juliet's hand
And steal immortal blessing from her lips,
Who, even in pure and vestal modesty,
Still blush, as thinking their own kisses sin.

- Romeo envies the flies that can visit Juliet, when he cannot.

***

You read this blog, and you texted me, explaining certain things.

It made me look like I was desperate to have a boyfriend, but I wasn't.

Well, perhaps really desperate to have someone who loves me and I do him, but yeah. Fuck, I sound like a desperate bitch? Sheesh man.

I just wanted to know if you like me too, nothing else.

I wanted to much to ask you, yet the fear of irritating you held me back. I'm not sorry for my plight, but just sorry what I've done to sabotage the used-to-be-kinda-close relationship between us.

However, I seriously doubt if you feel the same as well. Maybe all these time I claimed how close we were, you never even thought serious of them. O, how shameful would it be of me to make these claims!

That was not said sarcastically, but truthfully.

I miss you.

***

Spent the afternoon with SJM and Jiawen. We ate the HongKong-based café on the 3rd Floor of IMM. It was such an enjoyable brunch, with Jiawen having ate a scallop that still had sand in it (it was suppose to be mine but he offered the first serving to me), but overall the food was good. I had the same order as Jiawen (I chose the dish for him yaw!), and SJM had minced meat noodle. We talked and talked as usual, and after lunch we went to Kopitiam to have dessert? Haha. O, the memories at that hawker centre, still so vividly, when you sat in front of me, eating...

We parted our ways, with Jiawen leaving for some I-don't-know place and SJM took a train with me to Toa Payoh! I was touched. She said, "Two people emo together better than one person emo on herself." Ah. It was an approximately 45 minutes trip and she took it there and back. Thank you so much, SJM. :)

Met up with Prime at Toa Payoh Library. He studied and I didn't bring my laptop along, so I went to look for books on William Shakespeare. I realized many of his works are heavily edited and altered to make easy for reading. Some are even compiled into a play-like structure. Wtf? You might as well have put your own name as the author of the book, people. Anyway, we left the library at around half past 5 and made our way home. Prime sent me home and we took Bus 143. My, the bus ride was over an hour. We started the journey when the sun was still out, and reached JE when the sky has turned dark. It was a pleasant journey with him anyway. :)

Weary-eyed.

GO WATCH 'PAINTED SKIN 画皮' YALL! It's a really nice movie. Adapted from one of the series in 聊斋志异, it's more about love rather than horror. Zhou Xun was strikingly gorgeous in this film, and she turned out to be not so bitch in the end. Eventually, true love prevails all imperfections and obstacles.

***

I read Serli's blog and came to know this song by Mariah Carey. It's lyrics are meaningful, here it is. Do go to Imeem and check out the song. And somehow I feel a connection towards this song, although we didn't even started a thing together. O well...

Mariah Carey - I Stay In Love

Baby, I stay in love with you

Dying inside cause I can't stand it
Make up break up can't take this madness

We don't even really know why

All I know is baby

I try and try so hard to keep our love alive

If you dont' know me at this point then I highly doubt you ever will

really need you to give me that unconditional love I used to feel

It's a mistake if we just erase it

From our hearts and minds

I know

We said let it go

but I kept on hangin' on

Inside I know

it's over you're really gone

It's killing me cause there ain't nothing that I can do

Baby I stay in love with you

And I keep on telling myself that you'll come back around

And I try to front like 'Oh well' each time you let me down

See I can't get over you now,

no matter what I do

Baby baby, I stay in love with you

It cuts so deep it hurts down to my soul

My friends tell me I ain't the same no more

We still need each other

When we stumble and fall

how we gon' act like what we had ain't nothing at all now

Hey, what I wanna do is ride shotgun next to you

With the top down like we used to

Hit the block proud in the SU

We both know our heart is breakin'

Can we learn from our mistakes

I can't last one moment alone,

although I know

We said let go

but I kept on hangin' on

Inside I know

it's over you're really gone

It's killing me cause there ain't nothing that I can do

Baby baby, I stay in love with you

And I keep on telling myself that you'll come back around

And I try to front like "Oh well" each time you let me down

See I can't get over you now no matter what I do

Baby baby, I stay in love with you

We said let go

but I kept on hangin' on

Inside I know

it's over you're really gone

It's killing me cause there ain't nothing that I can do

Baby baby, I stay in love with you

And I keep on telling myself that you'll come back around

And I try to front like "Oh well" each time you let me down

See I can't get over you now no matter what I do

Baby baby, I stay in love with you

We said let go

but I kept on hangin' on

Inside I know

it's over you're really gone

It's killing me cause there ain't nothing that I can do

Baby baby, I stay in love with you

And I keep on telling myself that you'll come back around

And I try to front like "Oh well" each time you let me down

See I can't get over you now no matter what I do

Baby baby, I stay in love with you.

Soh Jin Mei, a.k.a Jibeh.

I realized my last post was rather emo and love-hungry. Perhaps desperate, whatever.

This girl you see above. We weren't the best of friends in the beginning. Yes, we conversed a little over the past 2 years, but were merely hi-bye friends. In my eyes, she was unfriendly and cool, as if having the words I-don't-give-a-damn written across her face.

We entered the same class in Year 2008. It was not till now did we get so close. Never did I thought we could be so close in the first place. She was a girl with good grades, and still seemingly unapproachable. Yet...

It was all because of a library trip. She found out my little secret, and well, she wasn't surprised. Apparently, I made it pretty obvious and was oblivious about it. And we talked and talked and talked about it, it became our topic of conversation, but as time went, we were drawn closer to each other, and both of us realized, our topic need not forever revolve around him.

We started to spend afternoons together in the library, and always ended up talking instead of studying. She was not what I thought she were: the cold and unfriendly SJM. She was cheerful, ever-high, always encouraging you when you feel that your self esteem could no longer sink any deeper. I realized we shared many same thoughts. We had meals together, and one common trait we had: We never stop eating. :D

She's always keen to share, and ready to listen. Ask her out and most of the time she'll say yes, or at least give you a temporary definite answer, unlike some guys who simply entertains you with a "I dunno" or "See first". I'm not implying that it can't be an answer, but we just yearned for a more friendly tone. Well, I suppose that's the typicality of guys.

Dear SJM, you let me understood the meaning of "Don't judge a book by its cover". Yes, you may have a personality too cool to be approachable, but it's okay. People will understand. We don't have to entertain them if we don't feel like to. We don't care. We are who we are, and what we are. It's up to people who are willing to understand you deeper inside, instead of judging and rating you just by looking at one's outer cover which is often deceiving. Perhaps if they're sincere enough, they'll finally get to know the real SJM. :)

***

It was my last paper today. I bear no more hopes of doing well, needless to say to even have enough luck to scrape a pass. I won't give up. I'm just lazy, and it's something stuck to my bones that I can't remove. These lazybones, oh please fall off. I don't mind getting osteoporosis (just ensure I'm able to renew my bones), it's really time I buck up.

But somehow I've given up on my studies. Honestly, I see no future in myself. Failing, failing and more failing. Marks and grades underlined in my report book, it's as if it'd become a yearly basis. I don't mind failing anymore, for I can't even feel if I give a fuck for my studies. I don't mind studying Geography, for I think of all the subjects I take, it's the one that makes the most sense out of everything and I love it. And English, I do have a passion for writing, for I prefer English so much to Chinese. I'm taking my 'O' Levels Chinese Language Examination in less than a month, and I don't care. Who cares anyway? I may study Higher Chinese, and people always think our chinese is really good. Oh, come on. My chinese sucks more than yours, seriously. It's such a waste of time. I do converse and write in Mandarin but all those comprehensions in the examinations, I see no point why I should bother even attempting to read and understand them. We have 8 periods of HCL every week. Seriously, what for? You may say, China's gonna be the next Big Brother in the economy realm, so? I am a Chinese, and I think knowing how to converse, understand and write basic Mandarin is enough. 8 periods, that's the most of all 7 subjects. Why couldn't they spend these precious time on Maths or Geography instead? It's obvious that our Maths is disasterrific, yet you're still wasting time on Chinese? OH, WAKE UP, SCHOOL.

For all you know, I might be retained for the year. Then I'll kill myself, because my mom will kill me anyway.

And this paragraphing system is pissing me off. No matter how many Enters I key, it still sticked altogether to form a big whole chunky essay. Urgh, whatever.

Ciao.

Taylor Swift in Love Story

I just can't get this song out of my mind. Another masterpiece by Taylor Swift, do check out the music video, it's like Cinderella.

People know, falling in love will guarantee you some heartbreaks, and some even abstain from it. I know how this feels. To be in love, yet still feeling so wrong about it. I told myself it was a mistake. A beautiful mistake, to have fallen in love with him. Knowing very clearly myself that he's not the least interested, why let myself fall deeper?

I miss the times when I texted him, and his replies were funny, humorous, and I can sense that he replied with his heart, not like some guys who just entertains you with a "haha" or "oh I see". We could talked late into nights, about everything. Kul Prit, schoolwork, and topics rated NC16. He would always know when I'm getting high, and he doesn't shun me. He's appreciative, and he treated people with his heart and soul. We did not have lengthy smses, but our contents were cheerful, happy, motivating. He was never rude, and always showed that sense of care for me, or at least. We laughed together on the phone, conversed in our dialect, talked about our lives. Everything was going fine. It was beautiful.

And yet I told him how I've always felt about him. And after days I got an answer. Friends encouraged me and told me he would feel the same towards me. I dare not bear high hopes, in fear of a great disappointment. I was right. I wasn't the right one for him. Maybe telling him how I felt was a relief for me, but not for him. I may have added to his burden, I do not know. He may still miss his ex-girlfriend, the pretty one. Who am I? I'm just some typical girl in hope to possess a small space in your heart and a little time in your thoughts.

But I was a nobody in your life.

You used to show me care and concern, even though it was only a period of a few weeks we took to develop our feelings. My feelings for you have grown, and sprouted. It would take a severe drought to kill it, for floods coming from my eyes kept it moist.

You talk to me so coldly now. I'm not used to it yet, but I'll have to. Your replies are filled with your normal I-don't-care tone. I can't feel the old you anymore. The one who would insist that I must sleep early, the one who asked me if Kul Prit did anything to me in class, the one who accompanied me for a 2-hour long chat on the phone into 3am and doesn't mind, the one who would ask if I'm tired and why I hadn't sleep when I worry the same for you as well. No longer.

It might all have been just a wishful part of my thinking, my own dwelling fantasy. The things my friends told me, about the way you looked at me, when you offered me a drink when I was feeling nauseous, when you murmured to offer to carry my books for me when I complained that my bag was heavy, when you said yes to going to the library with me despite only the two of us, when you asked me why I didn't want to eat and told me I should, when you teached me math. They were just, imagination. 这一切都是我想太多了.

I never wanted to force you into a relationship. I just want to know that you like me too, just like how much I like you. I guess I was wrong. So utterly wrong. Your feelings for me were nothing but for a mere friend, weren't they?

But I will wait for you. Even if the fact that promoting up to JC/Poly would mean a much bigger obstacle to possess your heart, I will try my best, for the fact that my feelings for you are genuine.

I just miss the times we had, so much.

It was a beautiful mistake, so beautiful that I hope it would err on for a long time. I may be childish to hope you'll even like me. But please, give me a chance to let me appreciate you, better than she can do. Yes, I'm not as pretty, I don't have a good figure, I have bad skin, and compared to her I'm less intellectually talented. I may never be good enough for you. But I love you so.

And yet, those times will never be back, will they? I can't call you just to hear your voice anymore, you'll find me absurd to call you without a purpose. I can't find any reason to sms you, and when I do, your replies are as if you're offended, or irritated. I am sorry for being such a nuisance to you, and I promise I'll not bother you again.

Perhaps by then, you'd have already found the girl of your dreams, and I, would have already slipped out of your blissful life, unknowingly. No one cares anyway.

But, for just one last time,

I miss you.

After our 'outing'.